It Takes One To Tango

Q:  How many people does it take to improve your relationship?

A:   The number of people necessary to improve your relationship is one.   

Of course, I hear people saying to themselves, "That's impossible. I've always been told that you can't change other people."  Well, that's not true. Don’t believe me?  

“How do I get him/her to change?”  If only they would do X, things would be better.”

Can you make somebody change?  

While there are those that will argue the point until they’re blue in the face that you can’t make somebody change, I see the process much differently, and much more optimistically.

You can influence someone to change, but you cannot expect the change to happen exactly as you want or through the same process that you had in mind.  Keep reading to understand the process of change that I'm referring to.  Now, let me explain what I mean with some examples.  

Consider the following situation.

Suppose you were enjoying a wonderful evening with your spouse, but for some reason, you wanted to make your partner really angry. What could you say or do to provoke that reaction? At first, you might wonder why anyone would want to ruin a good night?  You’d be surprised.  Members of Kingdom Animalia are fickle.  And among them, humans, with their big, booming cerebral cortices, are the multi-appetite species of the animal kingdom.  And as such, we have invented an infinite number of ways to get ourselves into trouble, meaning that we have enough behavioral flexibility within us that we might do a given behavior “x” for any number of reasons. And those reasons range from either brilliantly logical, to absolutely and totally irrational and pointless - and everything in between the two.  Although there must be some reason motivating their behavior, humans (and many other higher corticated animal species) will sometimes provoke a conflict among each other for absolutely no reason whatsoever, based purely on arbitrary and random criteria.  For no other reason than “I just have an urge to start a beef, and I’ll worry about why later.” 

Don’t believe me? Read Robert Sapolsky’s book:  Behave - The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst

So back to the scenario.  Here’s a spouse who decides for some strange reason, they want to effect a change and get their partner really angry.  If it were you, could you think of something you could say or do to trigger that response in him or her?   I’ll bet you dollars to doughnut holes you're grinning right now while you’re thinking, "Easy.  All I need to do is:

-be a backseat driver and tell my husband how to drive, he gets furious immediately," or

-don't call my wife when I have to work later than normal, she’ll get into a tizzy," or

-decide to bring people from work home and forget to tell my wife whose coming for dinner……

In short, you know precisely what to do to push your spouse's buttons. We all do.  Well here's some good news:  If you know how to push your partner's buttons in a negative way (i.e., effect a negative change), you can learn to push your partner's buttons in a positive way (i.e., effect a positive change).

I am convinced that all people have within them positive change buttons. You simply have to learn what those buttons are and how to activate them.  One woman told me after learning that "It Only Takes One to Tango," that she decided to stop pushing her husband’s negative buttons and start pushing his positive buttons instead. 

She related the following: “Just a few weeks ago I was ready to walk away from my marriage. My husband's attitude sucked. He thought I should do everything around the house while he relaxed all night and did nothing.  And when I needed to get out for some form of social stimulation once in a blue evening, he refused, saying he was “too tired.”  Tired from what, she gasped??  We fought every other day and started to not like being around each other.”

She continued to cite her criticism: “I have nagged, complained, and at him for years for just a brief bit of help around the house. I never requested of him to be the house butler or house maid and scrub toilets all week; but how about just a little helping hand now and then? And today.... it happened.

I came home from work.....while he had taken the day off, and the house was clean!!!   The laundry was washed, dried and folded or hung up!  The kitchen counters were clear and clean, and everything put away!  Our bedroom was clean, and all the clutter put away!  I almost thought I went into the wrong house. I still can’t believe it."

What on earth happened that resulted in the clean house?  She continued: “You know I've thought about this quite a lot, and I know that I have been more tolerant and patient with him and made an effort to be nice and not nag.  I made it a point to verbally acknowledge his efforts when he did something significant around the house, and I chose to overlook the "small stuff."  When I would catch myself getting ready to nag him, instead, I stopped myself, thought about it, and just let it go.”

“I must say that this strategy worked like a charm, and I never want to go back to the old way of relating with him.  In fact, the tone of our dialogue with one another has changed from icy-cold and harsh to much more of the sweet and gentle talk that we shared in the beginning, when we first fell in love.  My husband now will initiate and plan a night out on the town-and that would have never happened before!  I can’t even tell you how happy and thankful I’m feeling.  I had to let you know.”

So if you can picture this:  This woman had been nagging her husband for years to help more around the house to no avail.  It was to the point that it was affecting their social life and their intimacy.  If you were to read her emails or listened in on conversations she was having with some of her girlfriends back then, I bet she would have said that her situation was hopeless, that she had tried everything and was ready to pull the plug on the marriage because nothing ever worked. And she would have declared her marriage as dead-and would have been dead wrong.

By changing the way in which she approached her husband-from a constant, confrontational challenge to an easier, gentler approach-he changed his behavior toward her, and that influenced change in his behavior toward the issues she was so desperate to change.  As she became kinder and more loving when she decided to stop nagging, he felt more motivated and inspired to be more loving toward her.

A caveat:  Don’t fall into the Universal Thinking trap, which means that one technique will work for any person all of the time.  If anything like that were even remotely possible, you would get a manual at the hospital upon the birth of a child and you would never need any other advice. 

This principle holds true for most people under most conditions.  Relationships are reciprocal, and once one person changes their behavior, the other affected person may realize (thought) their contribution to the negativity of the situation. Think about how many times you thought someone else was wrong, and they thought you were wrong, and you both were stubborn until one of you decided it was time to apologize for his/her actions/words. Once the first person makes that move, the second person is almost forced to look at him/herself and realize maybe they are also contributing to the problem.

Are you interested in the process of understanding relationships?  Relationships are all, in some form, power struggles, and they are much more satisfying and rewarding when you have some control in your relationships.  You can learn how to develop this.

Choosing an appropriate therapist is a very personal decision.  If interested in obtaining psychotherapy, to schedule your first appointment (my audition), please call 941-961-0099.  An initial screening will be done via the phone.

If we feel compatibility with one another and I believe that I am able to help you, the appointment will be scheduled.  If I am unable to help you, I will attempt to assist you in finding a therapist who can help.